I crave touch. I crave somebody’s skin raw against my own. Whether that be fingertips, nose prints, legs or a mouth. This is the worst i’ve been for a long time. I start my days usually crying because i feel the same as i do the day before. I take my two brothers to breakfast, every fucking smile. Every fucking word is forced. I have black coffee, only a few sips. I eat and drink everything pure. Vegetables, fruits, white meat, no alcohol in an attempt to detox my body. I exercise too, leave for a hike when my brothers start football and go for a bike ride in the evening. I smile at as many people as possible, sometimes when they smile back i start laughing.
I get into bed and then i pray for the next day to be different. An hour ago i left the beach, listened to menswear by the 1975 and smoked a cigarette. i picked flowers and rubbed the petals into the ashtray, i felt a lot more relaxed if that were possible. Cigarettes do help, even if they’re killing me. One thing i’m missing from this equation is touch.
It’s a physical need that becomes so much more obvious when i’m in this state. The walls of my normality seem to slip away, boys hands, girls hair, 17 years young to 27 years old. i don’t care if i know them or not, they have the thing i need the most and that’s a body. Just to reach out, touch. For my physical body to try and scream out in the process I’m here. I’m alive. Can you hear this person’s heartbeat? It’s beautiful and you have one too. Absentminded things i do, playing with fingertips, holding onto the hem of someone’s skirt. It’s to keep me here, to keep myself from floating off the ground and into my head where dark things exist. I can handle other people’s darkness, but that’s normal isn’t it. I can handle other people’s scars, other people’s self loathing but god the second I stop and think about my own, i go through a downward spiral of feeling detached and alone.
I don’t know what the best way to deal with how i feel. do i ignore it and push it out of my head until i find it with explosive force or do i accept it and embrace it and become so far down into myself that i don’t know how to fucking ride a bike without having to stop because i’ve forgotten where i’m supposed to be going. It’s okay, i’ll hold out. There are so many things worth fighting for and this is just a bump in the road.